My Life Behind Bras

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Viva La Diva

[ad_1] Late September 2006 Thanks for reading Lori’s Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. I sat at my desk, scratching my head, up to my boobs in catalogues and line sheets, trying to source the perfect pair of casual blue socks with the following specifications from an actor, and the costume designer, for “the magic foot” number of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee running at the Circle in the Square theater on West 50th Street: not too thick, but not too thin; not a dress sock, and not an athletic sock; not wool, 100% cotton; more Midnight Blue than Admiral Blue, but not Oxford blue; no seams in the toes; non binding elastic top, cheap; fast; good quality. The character uses an unusual technique of spelling words on the floor with his foot during the Spelling Bee -“an alphabetic way to spell,” so the sock had the spotlight. Whatever socks had worked for the previous actors in that role, seemed not to meet the approval of the current dude, so the wardrobe head called me and asked me to investigate “options.” My work, my life, is always about finding more, better, different options for the picayune peculiarities of the personalities trodding the boards on and off Broadway. Perhaps it’s an occupational hazard that, when I see a show, I’m looking for, or focus on, the base layers beneath the costumes, or in the case of Spelling Bee, a single sock. I couldn’t tell one sock from another from my seat in the audience, but then again, I wasn’t the one wearing them. I see the bra where others see only cleavage. Wardrobe and design people I know are even more narrowly focused on whether zippers or buttons are period appropriate. When I saw Freud’s Last Session, the actor’s wig kept shrinking back on his skull throughout the first act, revealing more and more of his bald pate, and I wondered if other audience members saw the slippage, or if only theater insiders saw the Topstick failure. My detective work was happily interrupted when we got a phone call with an extraordinary invitation. “Hey Lori! It’s Brendan, long time no speak.” Brendan was a sweet young man from the midwest who came to New York to work in the theater business. He was a wardrobe professional, mainly for touring productions of large and small shows, and other live entertainment. Wardrobe supervisors are the keepers of the clothes, and they were my primary contact once the design team moved out of the picture. “Brendan, hi, yes, it has been a long time. You were working on Hairspray last time I heard from you. Whatcha been up to? Still on the road, touring?” “I’m working with Barbra Streisand now! Her voice is still A- May-zing. Listen, that’s why I’m calling. I need to memo some undergarments for her, some slimmers, you know? But more importantly, I have some exciting news! ”So we’re in Philly and she’s giving her first live concert in many years, and taking her show on the road. Her stage fright is legendary, right? Well, for the first time e-v-e-r she’s agreed to an invited dress rehearsal. The crew, well, I have been asked to invite a friendly, theater loving crowd of insiders so she can rehearse in front of live bodies, give her a feel for it before she has to perform in front of thousands of people! “Would you like to come to see Barbra? I have 4 tickets I can give you. It’s next Wednesday afternoon at the Wachovia Center in Philly.” “Brilliant. Brendan, that’s brilliant. You’re in the big time now, very impressive! You know, Al and and I have only been out of the shop together once, and that was to attend Steve Kleiser’s funeral a few years ago. Did you know Steve from Urinetown?” “No. Never met him.” “Helluva nice guy. Died from liver failure from the chemical cocktail he took to keep his HIV under control. Shame.” “That’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear it. So do you guys want to see Barbra?” “Holy crap! That’s awesome! Thank you so much for thinking of us!” We chatted a while, and Brendan caught us up on his life with the bus and trucks. “So you’ll come? You guys take such good care of us on the road, and I wanted to do something for you.” That touched me; we rarely got recognition for our efforts, and hardly ever got thanked. And what could be more perfect than getting freebies to see BarBRA? “Well hell yes we will come! Oh my god, Barbra Streisand! If we have to close for the day, we will be there. I’m looking forward to seeing you. Hey, does the diva need anything else in the way of underwear?” “Yes, we need help, but I’ve only just looked at all the clothes today. I’ll have to call you later when I have a better idea what we need. Just some shapers, for now.” “We can hand deliver for you Brendan! Thank you so much. I’m very excited!” I jotted down the sizes La Diva said she wore, with the caveat, she hated wearing bras. I thought 36D. She liked 38C. Though they be sister sizes, the 38 band size, alas, would be too big, and thus, unsupportive, and yes, the word I hate, “comfortable.” A bra is only uncomfortable when it is the wrong fit! I had been a Streisand fan since I was a little girl and heard her songs on AM radio. Then Barbra on Ed Sullivan. Then Funny Girl. My parents had a few of her albums, and when they played her records instead of watching TV, Dad was more than likely feeling frisky. Barbra was a Brooklyn girl, Erasmus Hall graduate, Flatbush. My Grandma Helen kvelled over Barbra, whose voice melted the ice of Helen’s heart. As a teenager, when my parents went out for the night

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Viva La Diva

Late September 2006 Thanks for reading Lori’s Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. I sat at my desk, scratching my head, up to my boobs in catalogues and line sheets, trying to source the perfect pair of casual blue socks with the following specifications from an actor, and the costume designer, for “the magic foot” number of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee running at the Circle in the Square theater on West 50th Street: not too thick, but not too thin; not a dress sock, and not an athletic sock; not wool, 100% cotton; more Midnight Blue than Admiral Blue, but not Oxford blue; no seams in the toes; non binding elastic top, cheap; fast; good quality. The character uses an unusual technique of spelling words on the floor with his foot during the Spelling Bee -“an alphabetic way to spell,” so the sock had the spotlight. Whatever socks had worked for the previous actors in that role, seemed not to meet the approval of the current dude, so the wardrobe head called me and asked me to investigate “options.” My work, my life, is always about finding more, better, different options for the picayune peculiarities of the personalities trodding the boards on and off Broadway. Perhaps it’s an occupational hazard that, when I see a show, I’m looking for, or focus on, the base layers beneath the costumes, or in the case of Spelling Bee, a single sock. I couldn’t tell one sock from another from my seat in the audience, but then again, I wasn’t the one wearing them. I see the bra where others see only cleavage. Wardrobe and design people I know are even more narrowly focused on whether zippers or buttons are period appropriate. When I saw Freud’s Last Session, the actor’s wig kept shrinking back on his skull throughout the first act, revealing more and more of his bald pate, and I wondered if other audience members saw the slippage, or if only theater insiders saw the Topstick failure. My detective work was happily interrupted when we got a phone call with an extraordinary invitation. “Hey Lori! It’s Brendan, long time no speak.” Brendan was a sweet young man from the midwest who came to New York to work in the theater business. He was a wardrobe professional, mainly for touring productions of large and small shows, and other live entertainment. Wardrobe supervisors are the keepers of the clothes, and they were my primary contact once the design team moved out of the picture. “Brendan, hi, yes, it has been a long time. You were working on Hairspray last time I heard from you. Whatcha been up to? Still on the road, touring?” “I’m working with Barbra Streisand now! Her voice is still A- May-zing. Listen, that’s why I’m calling. I need to memo some undergarments for her, some slimmers, you know? But more importantly, I have some exciting news! ”So we’re in Philly and she’s giving her first live concert in many years, and taking her show on the road. Her stage fright is legendary, right? Well, for the first time e-v-e-r she’s agreed to an invited dress rehearsal. The crew, well, I have been asked to invite a friendly, theater loving crowd of insiders so she can rehearse in front of live bodies, give her a feel for it before she has to perform in front of thousands of people! “Would you like to come to see Barbra? I have 4 tickets I can give you. It’s next Wednesday afternoon at the Wachovia Center in Philly.” “Brilliant. Brendan, that’s brilliant. You’re in the big time now, very impressive! You know, Al and and I have only been out of the shop together once, and that was to attend Steve Kleiser’s funeral a few years ago. Did you know Steve from Urinetown?” “No. Never met him.” “Helluva nice guy. Died from liver failure from the chemical cocktail he took to keep his HIV under control. Shame.” “That’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear it. So do you guys want to see Barbra?” “Holy crap! That’s awesome! Thank you so much for thinking of us!” We chatted a while, and Brendan caught us up on his life with the bus and trucks. “So you’ll come? You guys take such good care of us on the road, and I wanted to do something for you.” That touched me; we rarely got recognition for our efforts, and hardly ever got thanked. And what could be more perfect than getting freebies to see BarBRA? “Well hell yes we will come! Oh my god, Barbra Streisand! If we have to close for the day, we will be there. I’m looking forward to seeing you. Hey, does the diva need anything else in the way of underwear?” “Yes, we need help, but I’ve only just looked at all the clothes today. I’ll have to call you later when I have a better idea what we need. Just some shapers, for now.” “We can hand deliver for you Brendan! Thank you so much. I’m very excited!” I jotted down the sizes La Diva said she wore, with the caveat, she hated wearing bras. I thought 36D. She liked 38C. Though they be sister sizes, the 38 band size, alas, would be too big, and thus, unsupportive, and yes, the word I hate, “comfortable.” A bra is only uncomfortable when it is the wrong fit! I had been a Streisand fan since I was a little girl and heard her songs on AM radio. Then Barbra on Ed Sullivan. Then Funny Girl. My parents had a few of her albums, and when they played her records instead of watching TV, Dad was more than likely feeling frisky. Barbra was a Brooklyn girl, Erasmus Hall graduate, Flatbush. My Grandma Helen kvelled over Barbra, whose voice melted the ice of Helen’s heart. As a teenager, when my parents went out for the night and

lori kaplan
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Who Is Lori Kaplan?

Lori Kaplan is a New York–based entrepreneur, advocate, storyteller, and the founder of My Life Behind Bras. Known by many as “The Fairy Bra Mother of Broadway,” Lori has spent decades helping women feel more confident, comfortable, and seen through deeply personal experiences and meaningful conversations. Her work combines storytelling, advocacy, and women’s empowerment with a strong understanding of human behavior, confidence, and emotional connection. Through her platform, Lori Kaplan continues to share real stories and lived experiences that resonate with women from all walks of life. The Story Behind My Life Behind Bras My Life Behind Bras was created from years of firsthand experiences working closely with women during some of their most personal and transformative moments. Lori Kaplan recognized that conversations surrounding confidence, body image, comfort, and identity were often overlooked or treated superficially. Rather than building a traditional lifestyle brand, Lori focused on creating a space rooted in honesty, vulnerability, and human connection. Her memoir, My Life Behind Bras: Tales from the Titty, reflects many of these experiences and explores the moments, challenges, and truths she encountered throughout her career. Lori Kaplan’s Background & Experience Lori brings a thoughtful and grounded perspective shaped by both education and real-world experience. With a background in psychology and organizational studies, she developed a career centered around understanding people, relationships, and personal transformation. She is the founder and former CEO of Bra Tenders NYC, where she built a pioneering service business focused on personalized care, long-term relationships, and hands-on leadership. Over the years, Lori Kaplan became widely recognized for helping women feel more comfortable and confident through expert bra fittings and compassionate guidance. Advocacy and Community Impact Advocacy plays an important role in Lori Kaplan’s work. Her efforts have included organizing donations of essential clothing for individuals affected by disasters such as Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Sandy. She has also supported organizations including: Lori’s approach has always been rooted in dignity, empathy, and the belief that small acts of care can create meaningful impact. Why Lori Kaplan’s Voice Connects With Women What makes Lori Kaplan stand out is authenticity. Her work does not rely on polished marketing language or unrealistic messaging. Instead, she speaks openly about confidence, aging, identity, self-image, and the emotional experiences women often carry quietly. Readers connect with Lori because her perspective feels personal, human, and relatable. Through My Life Behind Bras, she has created a platform where women can feel understood without judgment. Final Thoughts Lori Kaplan has built a personal brand centered around compassion, storytelling, advocacy, and confidence. Through decades of experience and meaningful human connection, she continues to inspire conversations that many women rarely see represented honestly online. As My Life Behind Bras continues to grow, Lori Kaplan remains a trusted voice for women seeking authenticity, confidence, and real-life perspective.

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My First Catalogue (Y2K Era)

Where It All Started Before the brand, before the spotlight there was this. My first catalogue, designed and printed at home in the Y2K era. Raw, experimental, and driven purely by passion it marked the beginning of everything

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The Best Bra Fitters in New York on Finding the Perfect Size

NYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMNYMAG.COMVULTURETHE CUTSELECT ALLGRUB STREETTHE STRATEGISTSTYLESELFCULTUREPOWERNO MAN‘S LANDThe Bra Ladies of New YorkByNatalie ShutlerSHARETWEETPIN ITEMAILCOMMENTNEW YORK MAGAZINEDAILY INTELLIGENCERNOVEMBER 16, 20171:38 PMThe Best Bra Fitters in New York on Finding the Perfect Size.pdfSaved to Dropbox • Nov 16, 2017, 8G02 PMThe Best Bra Fitters in New York on Finding the Perfect Size.pdfThis week, women’s social clubThe WinglaunchesNo Man’sLand, its first print magazine, with stories rolling out exclusivelyon the Cut.It’s hard to keep a straight face and complain about being too skinny for your bigboobs — try it around any gathering of girlfriends, you’ll see — but this is an oddlycommon problem. I found myself facing this strange dilemma when my once-flatchest, which had begun to swell rapidly during college, wouldn’t stop growing.There was a problem with every bra I tried on: Either the band was loose enoughthat any sudden movement sent everything swinging, or the cup size was so smallthat I felt my cleavage spill out like a medieval-looking beer wench’s. What’s more:My chest was out of proportion with the rest of my body — I was still smalleverywhere else, so the disproportionate weight up top felt uneven and excessive.In the past few decades, boobs have started to get much bigger, and the bra industryhas been slow to catch up. Even though Victoria’s Secret still has the largest share ofthe lingerie market, the biggest size the company offers is a DDD (and, still, only inselect styles).Linda Becker of Linda’s Bra Salon in Murray Hill runs two bra salons, in Manhattan and in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. “In 30 years, I’ve seenmore breasts than Hugh Hefner,” she jokes. “But I’m focused on the problems that really big-breasted women face.”Photo: Amy LombardADVERTISEMENTThis week, women’s social clubThe WinglaunchesNo Man’sLand, its first print magazine, with stories rolling out exclusivelyon the Cut.It’s hard to keep a straight face and complain about being too skinny for your bigboobs — try it around any gathering of girlfriends, you’ll see — but this is an oddlycommon problem. I found myself facing this strange dilemma when my once-flatchest, which had begun to swell rapidly during college, wouldn’t stop growing.There was a problem with every bra I tried on: Either the band was loose enoughthat any sudden movement sent everything swinging, or the cup size was so smallthat I felt my cleavage spill out like a medieval-looking beer wench’s. What’s more:My chest was out of proportion with the rest of my body — I was still smalleverywhere else, so the disproportionate weight up top felt uneven and excessive.In the past few decades, boobs have started to get much bigger, and the bra industryhas been slow to catch up. Even though Victoria’s Secret still has the largest share ofthe lingerie market, the biggest size the company offers is a DDD (and, still, only inselect styles).Linda Becker of Linda’s Bra Salon in Murray Hill runs two bra salons, in Manhattan and in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. “In 30 years, I’ve seenmore breasts than Hugh Hefner,” she jokes. “But I’m focused on the problems that really big-breasted women face.”Photo: Amy LombardADVERTISEMENTThis week, women’s social clubThe WinglaunchesNo Man’sLand, its first print magazine, with stories rolling out exclusivelyon the Cut.It’s hard to keep a straight face and complain about being too skinny for your bigboobs — try it around any gathering of girlfriends, you’ll see — but this is an oddlycommon problem. I found myself facing this strange dilemma when my once-flatchest, which had begun to swell rapidly during college, wouldn’t stop growing.There was a problem with every bra I tried on: Either the band was loose enoughthat any sudden movement sent everything swinging, or the cup size was so smallthat I felt my cleavage spill out like a medieval-looking beer wench’s. What’s more:My chest was out of proportion with the rest of my body — I was still smalleverywhere else, so the disproportionate weight up top felt uneven and excessive.In the past few decades, boobs have started to get much bigger, and the bra industryhas been slow to catch up. Even though Victoria’s Secret still has the largest share ofthe lingerie market, the biggest size the company offers is a DDD (and, still, only inselect styles).Linda Becker of Linda’s Bra Salon in Murray Hill runs two bra salons, in Manhattan and in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. “In 30 years, I’ve seenmore breasts than Hugh Hefner,” she jokes. “But I’m focused on the problems that really big-breasted women face.”Photo: Amy LombardADVERTISEMENTThis week, women’s social clubThe WinglaunchesNo Man’sLand, its first print magazine, with stories rolling out exclusivelyon the Cut.It’s hard to keep a straight face and complain about being too skinny for your bigboobs — try it around any gathering of girlfriends, you’ll see — but this is an oddlycommon problem. I found myself facing this strange dilemma when my once-flatchest, which had begun to swell rapidly during college, wouldn’t stop growing.There was a problem with every bra I tried on: Either the band was loose enoughthat any sudden movement sent everything swinging, or the cup size was so smallthat I felt my cleavage spill out like a medieval-looking beer wench’s. What’s more:My chest was

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The Ambulance Ride – My Life Behind Bras

The ambulance bounced, shimmied and shook over the pitted and pothole riddenstreets of Coney Island, and the old woman strapped into the stretcher winced as herfrail body was jarred by the bumps. I hoped her bones weren’t so brittle that they couldbe easily snapped. It hurts, she mumbled to no one.When the ride smoothed out, she pursed her lips into a sneer of disapproval, a veryfamiliar look for me, and asked when’s someone going to fix this?The once fabled wooden roller coaster, The Cyclone, grew smaller as we continueddown Surf Avenue, and my mother squinted her eyes, as if she was seeing me for thefirst time, though we’d been riding for 40 minutes already.My memory recalled the screams and ensuing shrieks, terror and laughter, from theroller coaster as summertime riders experienced that first, precipitous drop, the fear anddread building on the slow ascent, the release and feeling of flying as the coasterswooped, slowed and sped up along the twists and turns, hills and valleys of rickety,slippery tracks. I loved riding the coaster as a teen. The Adrenalin rush lasted a week.After we’d driven a dozen blocks further away, Mom asked, “Where are we?”“On the way to the rehab Mom. We’ll be there soon.” This was the elder adult version of Are We There Yet, except Mom would notremember the answer this time, or next. I grabbed the edge of my seat with bothhands as we hit a deep pothole, and Mom turned her head and looked at me withrheumy green-grey eyes. But she didn’t see me- as they say, the lights were on butnobody was home. She seemed to look through me, at something beyond our physicalconfines. One withered hand with raised blue veins grasped the side of the stretcher asshe tried to turn her rail thin body toward me. Her body had lost its entirety of muscletone, she literally could not move one. One of her common, punitive admonishmentswhen we were little, was don’t move a muscle. Oh, the irony.She had been wheelchair bound for a couple of years, declining steadily,preferring to be sedentary rather than moving. She stopped using a walker and goingout regularly for short walks, and only went out for an occasional mani/pedi, haircut, orfamily dinner. She made no effort to keep her body vital. She was a lifelonghypochondriac, and whatever deficiency or ailment they discussed on Talk Radio, or Dr.Phil that day, amazingly, she was afflicted with it.While I lived with her after divorcing Sami, she woke me at least a dozen times ayear, in the middle of the night, to drive her to the hospital ER, because she was alwayshaving a heart attack. There was never anything wrong with her, tests showed noillness or ailments. Her heart was strong and regular, her blood pressure and othervitals, always stable. indigestion was a usual scapegoat.then, after she retired from work too early, she filled her days with visits to variousdoctors offices, always seeking the source of phantom sickness. It was the same tacticher mother had used- feign illness to get attention from the family, otherwise they wereprone to negligence. For me and my siblings, and our mother as the child of ahypochondriac, these incidents became a case of crying wolf. We no longer trusted thatthere was an actual medical problem when our mother announced she had one. And she doubted her own 85 year old mother when she called at 3:09 a.mdemanding we come over, and bring an ambulance with us. 99% of the time there wasnothing physically wrong. It was in those wee hours that the terrors flooded back, thepograms, and fires, and people burning, screaming and dying. The lifetime of traumaweighed heavily on my grandmother’s heart, and sometimes, it crushed her.Mom took too many prescription drugs, and nobody tested for drug interactionsthen. She had a pill for everything, it was so easy to get prescriptions before opioidsbecame epidemic. She settled into a self medicating routine of vodka, Vicodin, andValium for several years, and when she quit booze, added more, other, different pills forher menu of ailments. No wonder she had indigestion, all those pills were eating herstomach lining. None of the pills softened her jagged edges, or tamed her vicioustongue.None of us, her middle aged children, had the required strength to lift 89 years,and 150 pounds of virtually dead weight, without risking hurting ourselves. We had notraining, or skills on how to care for an elder, infirm patient. My brother, the youngest,was 54, and I was the oldest at 60. I’d had several accidents and injuries, living in NYCis dangerous, and suffered from chronic sciatica, so lifting and schlepping was off thetable for me. It was all I could do most days to take care of my own body.On special celebration days, her aide would get her bathed, groomed anddressed for a car ride. The Aide du Jour did the heavy lifting, got her situated in, andthen out of a car. She also wrangled the wheelchair and made bathroom runs anddiaper changes at whatever location we were in.It’s not like Mom appreciated it. I was anxious around her, because, without fail,even though so many people had made a Herculean effort to include her, to show herthat she was loved, she bad mouthed everyone and everything, and appreciated nothing. I had often experienced her as a spiteful, envious, jealous, mean spirited,angry, negative 9 year old Brat, the age where her development was arrested.Once at the party, she’d ensconce herself in a desired spot, among the relativesand various in-laws. She gave running commentary on how shitty everyone looked.She criticized the kid who’s birthday it was. She hated the cake, the other kids, thenoise, the parent people, the inconvenience of the 2 hour car ride. The coffee was tooweak. The space was too crowded.She didn’t consider the unpleasantness everyone else experienced because shewouldn’t just be quiet.I knew all she wanted, longed for, was to spend time with the family. But shesabotaged herself with the hurtful commentary, the total lack of gratitude, and overallmeanness that punctuated whatever

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Opening Monologue – Tits Up

Opening Monologue – Tits UpSo.Here we are.If you’re wondering about the title—yes. It’s literal. It’s metaphorical. It’s historical. And at acertain age, it’s also aspirational.I’m the Fairy Bra Mother of Broadway.That means I’ve spent fifty years lifting, hoisting, engineering hope out of elastic and wire forpeople who sing eight shows a week and call it “living the dream.”I’ve held things up for a living. Things that did not want to be held.Backstage, we say “tits up” when something’s gone wrong, a missed cue, Ba broken zipper. aCareer detour. Life.But sailors say it when the ship goes down.And women say it when gravity finally wins.This is a one-woman show, which means there’s no one to blame but me.No understudy. No corset. No place to hide.Just a body that has lived.And a voice that’s done whispering.I came of age in a world that told women to stay upright, stay useful, stay quiet. To keepeverything supported- our families, men, institutions, illusions, even as we disappeared insidethat mandate.But here’s the thing no one tells you: when everything finally goes tits up, you get your handsback.This is not a nostalgia piece.This is not a cautionary tale.This is a reclamation project.So welcome.Sit back. Breathe.If anything falls, I promise, it’s supposed to.

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Plague

January 2020BraTenders was busy with Broadway heading into 2020, and January was unusually busy withbrides and wealthy tourists in town to shop. we had been hearing some chatter on the news, aswell as from people we knew who regularly crossed the ocean on business related excursions,about city wide shut downs in China and Italy, and about a new flu-like illness that was sendingpeople to the hospital, or morgue. Some of our vendors in Italy couldn’t deliver productsbecause of these circumstances, and that trend continued for the coming weeks. Shippingdelays started to cause product shortages in multiple industries.In March we first heard about a potential Broadway shut down; the plague had arrived in thestates, and New York City seemed to be a hotbed of illness. On March 12, Covid -19 made itsBroadway debut, and infected several cast and crew members, with one being hospitalized. TheBroadway League finally pulled the plug after days of waffling, and the Great White Way wentdark.I knew that BraTenders would go dark too.We remained open through the weekend, and saw the last few brides with imminent weddings,and Gregg Barnes, a multi Tony award winning costume designer who was working on a smallshow, the opening of which was now in doubt. His leading lady needed some undergarmentsfor her costume, and she was coming in for a fitting. Gregg and I chatted, and marveled at thefact we had known and worked with each other for over a decade, possibly closer to 2, and thatthis could be the last time anyone worked in the theater until the dangerous virus passed.I was scared. the entire planet was in the throes of this new illness, and people in China andItaly, now in India and pakistan too, were dying by the dozens, nay, by the hundreds andthousands, on a daily basis. Surgical and respirator Masks became standard apparel for manywhen venturing outside the safety of their homes. Wuhan then went into total lockdown.It had been discovered that Covid-19 was an airborn illness, and that the virus was contained inthe droplets of exhaled breath. it was believed to live on surfaces, in fabrics, it was everywhere.Humans had to be reminded to wash their hands well, and often, and we were convinced todisinfect anything we handled, such as groceries. i stocked up on Lysol Wipes, Isopropylalcohol and hydrogen peroxide, as well as KN95 masks and nitrile gloves. i burned sageeveryday, and stopped going outside. i relentlessly doom scrolled through social media, andhad nightmares about battles over food and shelter in a barren, corpse laden hellscape.I asked Dawn to come and stay with me on the second night of the lockdown, I was so anxious,in a way I’d never experienced before. Of all the ways I imagined the world ending, plague wasnot on the list. I’ve been a nuclear neurotic since age 9, when the threat of annihilation from theCuban Missile Crisis disrupted my carefree childhood. The Cold War was ever present in ourlives, and then it just seemed like there was one war or conflict after another, until this very day.There has not been Peace on Earth, nor Goodwill Towards Man in my lifetime.Dawn declined to come, saying she wanted to be in her own bed. I remember saying to her,let’s grab all the cash we can from our banks, pack some essentials, buy a cheap car, and headoutta NY, to some rural place that was sparsely populated, and the chance of being infected waslower. I imagined us as Thelma and Louise, riding west across Route 66, to some unknownplace, to stay safe from the plague and start a new, different kind of life out of the city. The nextday when I called her, she informed me she was on her way to Texas to be with some otherfriends. I was crushed. I felt abandoned. and she had lied to me.i was pretty sure that BraTenders was dead. and That NYC, as it existed, and which was undermandatory lockdown, was dead too. The streets were deserted. Times Square, for once in itsraucous and rowdy history, was still and silent. Hospitals were insanely overcrowded, withgurneys lining every inch of available space. The morgues had run out of room, and Corpseswere stacked in supply closets, and along the lengths of corridors, until city-block long freezertrucks were parked outside the loading docks to contain the overflow of deceased.With Donald tRump and his merry band of fools in charge of our government, they spectacularlydenied the pandemic was real, and failed the first responders and health care practitioners onthe front lines. There was a lack of dearth of Personal Protective Equipment for hospitalpersonnel, and nurses and doctors had taken to wearing garbage bags as precautions againstCovid while attempting to treat patients. The illness attacked the respiratory system, ravagedthe lungs, and there were an inadequate number of respirators to help everyone who couldn’tbreathe on their own. Hospitals was bursting at the seams with people seeking treatment.except there was none.Covid was something new. This was a virus that had apparently jumped species at a wetmarket in Wuhan China, from a pangolin, an exotic meat source, to a human according to theprevailing theory. another theory posited that the virus was caused by a lab leak, an OOPSmoment, like Chernobyl. Secretive experiments on bio weapons were supposedly conductedat a U.S.military installation, which had a connection to a Chinese official working at MIT, andalso the WuHan laboratory of infectious diseases. Conspiracy theories ran amok, and to thisday, 3.5 years later, we do not the truth.As of this writing, we are at the beginning of another Covid surge, yet another variation of themutated virus which already has dozens and dozens of strains. Thus far, between 5-6 millionU.S citizens have died from Covid and Covid related illness, with the true impact being closer to

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Lemonade from Limes

I go to bed in tearsAnd wake up much the sameThe anger and the fearsAre the things to blameHe says he wants to move onYet he won’t let goSo I keep plodding forwardthough my progress is quite slow18 years of historyDon’t seem to mean a thingTo him I’m still a mysteryHe deigns to clip my wingsDivorce is never prettySo much anger and regretAnd though I feel quite shittyMy life has been resetBrand new opportunitiesTo make lemonade from limesNo longer under scrutinyJust biding my own time

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