Dear Reenie
Dear Reenie
You don’t mind if I call you by my husband’s pet name for you, do you? I thought that you and I should at least be friends since you and Al are so intimately acquainted in “the cloud.” I know he gets terribly excited whenever he receives an alert that a new email or sext message has arrived in his inbox from you. These make him feel much more loved and wanted than I alone can make him feel. It’s nice, too, that he has you to be with in the middle of the night when he is restless, as this eliminates much unwanted poking, so thanks for that.
You know Reenie, he’s told me that his interest in you is just “for fun” and that your relationship is meaningless to him. Of course I don’t believe it, as he has risked an awful lot by maintaining his relationship with you, going on what, 2 years now? In all fairness, you should know that you are just one of 3 “blackberry bitches”, such a cute name, right? I called you this because his correspondences are primarily made with his device of the same name. It holds all sorts of aliases, anonymous email accounts, contact information for special friends like you, all securely protected with high level passwords. It’s curious why a guy who says he has nothing to hide, hides so much, not only from me, but apparently from you 3 bimbos also, don’t you think?
I know all about Al’s place in your bed, where the two of you are snug and spoon at night after drinking wine neither of you should be drinking. Oh, how you must melt when he whispers “I adore you” in your cute little ear, or when he’s feeling frisky and suggests afternoons filled with sexual delight. Now that I know you enjoy using handcuffs, I’ll have to look for a special pair to send along as my gift to you and him. It’s great, too, that you have a house – now Al can get the dog he’s so wanted to have all these years. Makes putting the cat out convenient, too, doesn’t it?
So, Reenie, come on down and collect the guy you’ve been dreaming about throwing your arms around at long last. I will not put up a fight. From now on, you can have the pleasure of being with him – in the flesh! – all the time, day and night, every day for the rest of your lives. You can eat, sleep, and breathe togetherness, no more texting, sexting, emailing. It’s all yours for the taking right now. You can enjoy his nightly drunken rumblings, and daily bitching about everything under the sun, just as I have for the past 16 years. You can experience love making with his lazy and listless dick, and won’t have to imagine what he feels like anymore. (Oh, one thing, it’s not quite as big as he exaggerates it being)
He is now yours to cook and clean for, to care for, to have and finally hold! You can now have the fantasy you’ve been living, but in reality, isn’t that great? You can have the joy of washing and folding his clothes, for which he will give you detailed instructions. And you will have to buy the clothes, too, because he does not shop for himself. I’m sure it will be no trouble at all for you to return whatever he doesn’t like, because Al doesn’t do such menial things. Know that you will have to buy 20 of anything so he can perhaps find 1 that he can endure wearing, and they will lay around for weeks before he tries on them on. It will be up to you to either fill out the return label, or make another trip to the store, because that’s another chore he can’t be bothered with.
He’s much too important to waste his time on such minutiae.
Just a friendly caveat – don’t ever buy him gifts unless he asks for something specifically. In 16 years of our being together, he has not kept one gift that I’ve given him without exchanging it, or returning it altogether. And don’t expect any gifts from him, either, he hates spending money. Sure, he’ll throw you a bone once in a while, if only to remind you how lucky you are to be with such a prince.
He will do many considerate things for you, such as opening your mail and discarding anything that he thinks may waste your time. He will clean out your kitchen cabinets of any and all food items that he considers “junk”, so you eat only a healthy diet of fresh foods. No more chips or cookies for you Reenie, gotta watch that figure so you don’t get too chubby! Al likes curvy girls, but can’t abide chunky ones. And I hope you like your food on the bland side since you will be required to prepare tasty meals without the use of salt, sugar, oil, butter, aromatics or spices.
His preferred drink is vodka, and he drinks copious amounts of it. He’ll think you don’t know when he is shitfaced, so listen carefully to how he speaks. His “s” sounds become more sibilant when he is drinking, and his eyes take on a peculiar bleary quality. If he starts watching television with one eye shut, or shovels food into chest because he can’t find his mouth, you can be sure he is well on his way to a pretty good drunk. He’ll do and say stupid shit in a blackout. Be smart, Reenie, and don’t engage when this happens because you can’t win. Don’t try to read, or leave the room as this will infuriate him. Just sit in silence and let him lash out without fighting back.
He will curse people in your life who care about you, and will seek to isolate you from them. You will not be able to entertain in your home as Al hates having others in his personal space, Your comings and goings will largely depend on him. The only vacation or trips you will ever take are to visit his mother, but hey, it’s Florida! He will expect you to entertain the old bat while he wanders off to chat, sext, or email the other blackberry bitches who didn’t win him. So come on down Reenie. I’ll have his bag packed and ready for you so no time is lost and you can begin your new life together immediately.
XOXO
The Wife